It was a long wait at the local polyclinic. Thank God, my dear husband was there to accompany me to get a referral letter for termination of pregnancy at a women's hospital. Finally it was my turn. The doctor seem rather surprised that I got pregnant 2-3 months after I recently gave birth. My youngest son is only 4months plus back then. Furthermore, I totally breastfeed and had no menses.
The doctor mechanically drafted a referral letter and soon a date was set at the women's hospital.
The doctor at the hospital was non judgmental. However I was told to see a counsellor that same day. The counsellor was quite dominating in asking me to keep the baby and barely tried to weigh what my major concerns were. Then she proceeded to teach me the available contraceptive methods. Wish my husband was here with me!
Met the doctor again after the ultrasound scan. I hated vaginal ultrasound scans! Anyway, I was told by the sonographer that I was 7 weeks along. But then she did something bizarre. She placed her hand on my left pelvic and pressed. She asked me did it hurt? I said there was a bit of dull pain.
She scribbled something that looked like "33mm cyst on left ovary".
Met the doctor again after that, and she explained there was a cyst. They had to do more test to see if its malignant. She said usually as pregnancy hormones stabilises, the cyst may decrease in size
Or abortion should be able to naturally decrease the cyst size too as there are no pregnancy hormones to stimulate its growth.
Left the hospital feeling quite upset...I not only had to deal with the pending abortion but the cyst as well. Phoned husband to release my frustrations and sadness.
I had to go back for a second ultrasound within the same week. This time its a detailed one. The sonographer was so kind and bubbly this time. Found out she's the same age as me. 30 year old.
She on the other hand, didn't know I had the intention to abort the baby. After confirming the cyst size, she engaged in small casual talk. She thought I was just worried about the cyst. So she turned the monitor and showed me my baby and the heartbeat. Excitedly told me, that the baby is still in a yolk sac and that's where my baby is getting its food now. Soon it will be replaced by a placenta. Yeah I know all that. I had one miscarriage, two pregnancies and I majored in biology for my honours degree. I silently thought to myself. But smiled at her. Then she added, that my baby is happily wriggling and soon he/she would be in my arms... I couldn't help it but I told her I was going to abort. She asked me why and said she was sorry I was in the situation.
She sympathetically walked me out of the door, gave me a sad smile and bade goodbye.
The doctor told me the cyst didn't decrease in size and asked if I want to go ahead and abort. She scheduled the abortion or TOP (termination of pregnancy) date to two weeks later. I would be 9 weeks by then.
The two weeks of waiting was rather torturous for me mentally, emotionally and physically. I was in dilemma. Which mother wants to "murder" their own flesh and blood.
I hung the ultrasound picture on my fridge like I always do for all my pregnancies. I believe my baby still deserve to be treated like my other Pregnancies whilst he/she is still in my tummy.
The guilt was horrible as the day of abortion loomed nearer.
Often when I struggled taking care of two young kids - 2 year old and a 5 month baby, I strongly want to abort. I barely could do any housework and get tired ever so often.
Often when my milk production is very low despite constant latching and eating supplements, I strongly want to abort.
My son had few wet diapers and barely poo. And latching felt different. My son refuses formula milk and that add to the stress.
Often when I think about the finances, I get very stress, if I decide to keep the baby.
I have no helper and no vehicle, so having a third baby will definitely be difficult to have family outings. And if I do keep the baby, by the time he/she is born, my infant will barely a year old and my first son will be 2.5yr old.
Parenting is already so difficult and stressful and requires patience and all. Having a third baby so quickly would mean there's no "rest" period for me and hubby.
Then thoughts of "what if the baby is a girl?" I really wanted a girl, you see. But then again, the reasons above still apply even if it's a baby girl.
My religion has many differing views about abortion. Some said it's ok if no soul has been given (which would be around 120 days), some said it's already alive with or without the soul and cannot be aborted, some said it's not alright to abort when it pose no health risk to baby or Mommy.
Some of the people I confide in, mostly tell me not to abort as they said, quoted from religious texts that, a child gives you good fortune, be it health or wealth. And it's sinful to abort. They told me God would not give one, hardship that they cannot handle. Really??
What if He gives you hardship that He knows you might not be able to handle and wants to teach you about patience.
My aunt who supported me a lot especially since my mom passed away due to cancer in 2011, discourage me to abort. She told me, she would help to babysit. But for how long must I depend on her? I don't wish to burden her.
The next day was the day of abortion. Was required to fast from 12 midnight.
But I did not have appetite that day and my last meal was at 6pm.
Barely slept that night as I kept saying I'm sorry silently to my unborn baby... Stroking my tummy...but I took some comfort that my dear husband would be by my side tomorrow..
