The All too Familiar Symptoms

I woke up feeling sick. Rushed straight to the toilet and began to regurgitate last night's dinner. Or whatever that's left. 

My head was reverberating with dull but intense pain. How am I going to survive today with my 2 active sons - a 2 year old toddler & a 5 month old baby. 

I'm mostly a stay at home mum. Mostly because some days I work part time teaching enrichment to kindergarten for a couple of hours.

So I popped some non drowsy panadols,

and was about to fix myself breakfast, when my baby started wailing. And the toddler son stirred from sleep and asked for milk... Typical day...

Throughout the day I became so tired and sleepy and moody..and I actually struggled to take care of my two sons. I Was easily short tempered.

 I was already stressed and perplexed that my milk production was low no matter how often my infant son latch on. I knew it was low because my infant had barely wet diapers, doesn't poop often and often gets fussy while drinking. I get agitated when he latch as the sensation felt different. To add on the stress, my infant refuse to drink the formula supplement. Apparently he is so used to my breastmilk.

And eating fenugreek pills make my headaches worst! 

Anyway, this happen again the next day and the next and the next... Till I realised the all too familiar symptoms.. Could it be? 

Can't be! Because I fully breastfed often and I had no menses (my menses was always regular before preggy) ever since my lochia discharge ended 4 months ago. I read up and friends who experience the same thing, was rather infertile, especially so for fully breastfeed mothers. I began to panick. 

Phoned hubs to buy the Clearblue digital pregnancy test kit. I was scared shit! I cannot handle a third baby! 

And suddenly...

I'm pregnant again... This time however, I was disappointed. Then waves of dilemma and guilt started to engulf me as I thought about abortion. Then I started to cry. Then I started to smile thinking it could be a girl this time. Oh! The silly preggy hormones can bring about volatile  emotions. 

Told hubs the news and he kept quiet with worried unhidden dejected lines etched all over his face. 

I sat down beside him and even without talking, we knew what each other is thinking..